OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
