I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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