A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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