your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
