i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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