It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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