I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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