why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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