I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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