Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just invented taco cereal.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
