yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I wear drunk well.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
