my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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