"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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