I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize