why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
