It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
