i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
