morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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