I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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