You don't have asthma, your pregnant
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
