he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
