I am puke
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
