I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Randomize
