I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
