The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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