I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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