I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Randomize
