she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Randomize
