I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
