I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
