Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
