Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
