alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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