Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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