I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
