fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
