She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
