You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
