so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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