Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
