you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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