All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
