I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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