Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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