The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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