He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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