Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize