Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
