I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
