I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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