He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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