WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
