I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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