I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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