he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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