I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
