My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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