Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
why is half of my head shaved?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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