I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize